Life Sucks! Deal with it!!!

No ear can hear nor tongue can tell the tortures of the inward hell!
-Lord Byron-


She just wanted to feel like she's still an okay person. Everyone tells her that she is, but it doesn't mean anything. She just looks at them and think, what the fuck do they know? Everything is crashing down around her and she doesn't know how to make it stop.

As she turned away from the one thing she thought is the best thing in her life, she recalled the apathy she'd seen in his eyes. The few times she had really looked at him closely. The realization was a sobering one. She did what she had to do.

It was never easy being the rational person that she is. She was sick of thinking and analysing. For once, she just wanted to feel. And feeling is what brought her here today.

You can force someone to be responsible, but you can't force them to care. And she cared, yes. A lot. But that wasn't enough. It's never enough.

Despite her tears, she laughed. Giving him her best aloof look she said, "I'll be okay." She knew that wasn't true. At least for a while.

An irrational part of her had wanted him to hurt like he'd hurt her. Also, she wished for nothing more than for someone to place their arms around her and whisper in her ear that everything would be fine. She stood there. Her back to him. Waiting. He walked away.

Her grief lay coiled inside her, a sleeping beast, and she was afraid to move or speak in case she woke it. She was numb. Numb and cold and empty. What was left of her was just this. Just an empty shell, a cruel twist of fate.

She has to hang in there and do the time. That's the one thing she knows is going to change. For every sucky day she lives, she won't have to live it again. It's done. She did it. Move on. Maybe the next one won't suck. And if it does, same philosophy. Just, do the time.

She's just gonna have to figure this out as it goes along.

Sweet Sadness

Its not so bad not knowing there's this sweet sadness to it. Like two friends sitting together, remembering things that never happened to them. Things as they should be. No what if's, no what could have been's.

"How do you remember things that never happened?" she asked.

"You're heart will remind you." he answered.

No expectations, no disappointments, just memories of a life never lived, a great love never shared, and tears never shed.

Outside, the sun continued to shine cheerily, as if nothing remarkable had taken place.

It was the time of day when the stars and the sun share the same sky. The sun's soft glow still gave the stars the opportunity to shine before the brighter one will take over the horizon. But for now, both of them continued to shine harmoniously together.

Maybe they started out on the wrong foot. She didn't realize until later how accustomed she'd become to his presence. Somewhere along the way of finding him the most exasperating person she'd ever met, he's become a good friend. Their banter, her hostility, and later, their tentative respect for one another, were all the things he cherished. But naturally he'd never tell her that.

She had known all along that they'd been a lie. While she honestly resist him at first, ultimately, she had failed. Failed him, Failed herself.

She wasn't his type back then. He wasn't used to people who were actually together and could do his job better than him.

It doesn't surprise her at all that he's grown into such an incredible person. He's always been that. Actually, it made her happy that she's finally attracted to men who are healthy for her.

Although, it's not fair to just care and care about someone and they don't do anything back. It's not that simple. And sometimes, the people that you love forget to love you back.

People can be attracted to a lot of people, it doesn't matter, you just don't act on it. It's amazing how your feelings for someone comepletely shift in less a day's time.

It was wrong to go after her for the reasons that he did but he can't apologize for that. He was glad that he did. She would hate him for the trick but what he left her was real.

He had been the one constant thing in her pathetic existence. But he scared her. He embodied everything she had run from her whole life. It would have been easy to throw herself in his arms and have him take away her pain, to let him be the strong one. But she'd chosen to close herself off instead.

She didn't owe him any reciprocation for any feelings he may have. She saw his patience. He was good to her. Her mind started to wander. What if there will come a day when he will look at her and smile that gentle slow smile? The one that made her feel like melting into a wet puddle right at his feet. The very same smile that made her feel so safe and secure. She can make it happen. But what she can do and choose to do are completely different.

There are so many things that he wanted to tell her but nothing comes out. Feeling like he was loosing her every second that passes by, he does the only thing he could think of to make her stay.

His words floated weakly in a pillow of air. Those simple words had a rainstorm of emotions running through him.

Was any of this real?
Was she real?
Was she alive in the weak winter moonlight?

Forget the reality of the situation. For two brief seconds, they were free.

He felt like she fit perfectly in his arms, like she was where she was supposed to be. He sighed, because he knew, that somehow, taking the good guy track was going to set him up for heartbreak. They had to end it before they hurt each other more. No use in holding on. For what? So that she'll feel more devasted when he leaves?

He knew he can't stay. And he didn't want to leave.

That night was all they had. He stayed a bit longer.

She woke up between dawn and light. She was alone. But she never really minded the solitude. She was alone for a long time before him. What's the difference this time?

It was difficult to imagine him not being there. But he would be, he was just that way.

If anything, today would be more difficult than yesterday. Today she would watch him carry on as though nothing had happened. She'd be forced to sit there and see him behave as though nothing had changed between them. And she wasn't sure she could handle that.

His face was a mask. There was a hint of sadness reflected in his eyes. The usual twinkle that resides in them is gone. All that is left is pain.

She sat and stared at the wall, waiting, never speaking, never moving. Just waiting.

Tears fell unbidden down his cheeks as he stood there watching from the shadows of forever.

She pondered on the life she has lost

The place looked exactly as she remembered it. Large, pretentious. But there was that light that drew her. An unexpected warmth inside. She's never seen love before this place.

She paused for a moment and hesitated. Then she walked on.

It was their place; their refuge from the world. It was where they forged their friendship. It was the least bit of him she had left.

As she looked back for what seemed like the thousandth time, she couldn't help but blink back the tears welling up in her eyes.

It was a beautiful night. That night she had found a store of understanding and compassion that was bottomless. That night they were kindred spirits and it made her feel like she didn't constantly cover her own wreckage with a smile. That night gave her hope.

They sat side by side staring over the horizon marveling over the twinkling lights of the city that lay before them. She was wondering about the life going about down below while they were up there with an entirely different life of their own. Rather lives. Not that they shared a life anyway. Then he looked at her. His eyes sparkled in a certain way, but there was something else about him. An untamable wildness that pierced through her. She suddenly realized. Maybe there was something they shared. They had that moment. It was pure. It was innocent. It was sincere. And it was theirs. It was the first time she felt. Ever. Something that was real. She was breathless. For that moment, she was alive.

She shivered lightly. She couldn't tell if it was with the feel of his skin on hers. Then a light breeze grazed her cheek. And she felt his fingers wipe away the wetness from her face. It was raining. And it was freezing. But the warmth of her heart that moment was enough to last her an eternity of rainy days.

She stopped walking and sat on a bench nearby. She is tired. She is sad, and she is tired.

Absence makes the HEART grow weirder

The wonder that technology has brought upon us. Thousand of miles, yet connecting us as though we were sitting next to each other.

I have neglected for years the connections that I have with people. Then now I decide to re-connect.

Three line text messages with an old friend that had the impact of a three hour conversation.

I am now being reminded that I am not alone. I was never alone. Oblivious as I have been, I have been thought of. I was never forgotten. I've always had my heart.

I may not say it often enough but I am grateful to you. You have wiped away the tears I have kept hidden. You see right through me. And now I am beginning to see me as well.

Thank you!

Arrivederci a domani!

Free me from these chains
I need to change my way
Heal these broken wings I need to fly far away,
far away, far away
Spinning-Zero7

You need closure. You need to be in a room with this guy again and maybe accept the fact that it's over and you're fine. You need to socialize with him around and let people see that it's okay that he's within proximity. Being with him just the two of you is one thing and being with him in a room full of people is an entirely different situation. Especially when people start asking you, "How are you?" It's hard, but the harder the better. Then you can see how far you can go, how much you can take. Don't do it for them, do it for yourself. Just let go. I know you don't really want him back, so you just have to let him go then. Problem is you keep holding on to hate. It takes too much energy to hold on to hate. You have to make it simple. People make mistakes, horrible mistakes. But you have to learn to live with it, because what's the alternative? Try to get some closure. Try to go and have a good time inspite of the fact that the person whom you hate is there. Once you begin having a good time by yourself, the rest will take care of itself. Then finally, you can really tell yourself, "I'm fine. I've moved on."

È più o meno giusto

Sometimes, people focus too much on what went wrong that they fail to realize that somewhere along the way, amidst all the failure that has been going on in their lives, one good thing could've occured and they just missed it. Instead of basking in the glory of that one good thing, they wallow in the misery and whine about how things are not how they want them to be or not how they expected them to be.

I should know, I've spent too much energy holding on to my angst that I eventually ended up exactly where I am right now. Solitude and melancholy. Still, wanting to discover my one thing, I sit here, my walls up, waiting for that one thing that I am good for. My one reason for being.

I don't know, it might have not come yet, or maybe, it already has and I missed it. It could've have been sitting in front of my nose for the past 25 years and I am just too dumb or stubborn to notice it. Or maybe, it's not exactly what I wanted or expected it to be that I just refuse to accept it.

So here I am, waiting for that day of enlightenment. Or simply the day of acceptance for the things that are and the things that will always be.

A Cruel Twist of Fate

The words bounced back and forth in her grievously tortured mind as she flailed wildly to keep from being drowned by her own feelings. She looked down and in her crazed state. She could almost see the broken pieces of her shattered world laying haphazardly all around her feet. Her wounded heart, clumsily patched together by her inexperienced hand, burst painfully open and started bleeding again. She almost gasped as the overwhelming grief crashed down her abused body. Heart racing frantically, she tore her desperate gaze away and stumbled backwards. She forcefully thrust her emotions aside as she looked at her reflection. Her blood and tear streaked face was a mirror of what she was feeling at the moment.

It was never easy for her to care about someone else. To give up control of her life. To risk getting hurt. To compromise and overlook things then put up with someone else's crap. He's got a lot of crap. And she was willing to do it for him.

It lasted for about the right time it was supposed to last. Maybe even longer. Then eventually, either fall in love or don't. Or, worse, get stuck in between.

What they had was long gone. It was just a flickering flame waiting to be extiguished.

The decision of her life has been made. Fading the background, bringing reality into focus. Fate had finally made it's move, and she was there, where she's supposed to be. And somehow it made her sad. It had finally been crossed where it just didn't matter anymore.

She tried to keep her mind on pleasant things. TV... parks... trees... clouds... flowers... butterflies... love... heartbreak... loneliness... depression... She was a fucking mental boomerang.

Her eyes are finally dry. She had no tears left. She cried all hers out. Alcohol had temporarily robbed her of coherence and consciousness. What it didn't do is ease the pain. If anything, it just made it more confusing, more terrifying.. Her face was wan and marked with the traces of her grief.

She has nothing and everything to look forward to at this point. The feeling of uncertainly, ironically, suddenly made things clearer somehow.

And, at the end, she reluctantly dropped her hand and did what she did best. She ran.

Mi ricordo ancora quando.....

She sat in the corner. The same spot she sits at every wednesday. She would take a book, sometimes, from the sociology section, most of the times from philisophy, and she would just sit there for three hours.

He's been watching her for five wednesdays now. The first time he noticed her, she passed by him and got a book two shelves down from where he was half asleep reading his politics material. The second time, he looked up from the faint scent of something fruity or flowery. Like body wash or shampoo. Then he saw it was her. After that, still the same time and day, she walked by him towards her spot. He wanted to say hi but somehow he couldn't make the words come out of his mouth.

Today she came. Same time. She sat in the corner. The same spot she sits at every wednesday. She got up and headed for the philosophy section. She was five feet away from him. He got up, a book in his hand and stepped in front of her.

"Hey," he smiled.

"Hi," she said.

"Thought you might find this interesting," he said handing her a small leatherbound book.

"Yes. This is interesting," she replied and walked away.

He gazed at her, and after a second, he walked after her.

Avevo dei dolori atroci tutto il mio vita

Alone with an empty mind,
thoughts can't seem to dawn on me
trying to comprehend
the unfathomable existence of being,
I lay here,
staring blankly at the infinite sky before me.
Then it came...NOTHING!

What's worse?
Non posso farci nulla!

And years come by so fast.
The wind taking me higher.
My soul will soar tonight.

Another bruise,
another cut,
another drop of blood.

Io tatto niente!
Mi piace molto niente tatto!

What if I...

What if I was good to you,
What if you were good to me?
What if I could hold you
'til I feel you move inside of me?
What if it was paradise,
What if we were symphonies?
What if I gave all my life
to find some way to stand beside you?
Lonely No More-Rob Thomas

Do not ponder too much on the "what if's" and "what could've been's" what is important is the "what is" and the "what will be."

Think about it, we all waste our time whining and depressing over the "one that got away" that we forget to acknowledge the ones that are around and the ones that stay around. Be thankful for the past, live in the present and be ready for the future.

I was determined to run away as far as possible from the one person that means so much to me. I figured it would be easier for him and for me if we didn't see each other as much as we used to. Then we met again, and I decided that I could just go and tell him how I really feel. Go for it. At least I took the risk of letting him know, than just let it pass "wondering what if?" I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, that he might, even for the smallest fraction of a chance, feel the same way about me. I wanted to act like the person that I say I am and just face my fears and go for it. Then, fear took over, so we just sat there and had a nice conversation over coffee and biscottis. Once again, he got away. Then it hit me, he didn't really. I let him get away.

We all waste our time whining and depressing over the "one that got away" that we forget to acknowledge the ones that are around and the ones that stay around. Be thankful for the past, live in the present and be ready for the future

I always thought that he was "the one that got away" that I failed to see that he is actually "the one that's been around" for me for all these years. And he may very well be "the one that'll stay around," in some ways at least.

I've been obsessing about wanting to be with him so badly that i practically sabotaged our friendship. I've been whinning about what he wouldn't give me and what he has taken away from me. What i didn't realize what that the things that he has done/given me are far more valuable than what i'm wanting. You cannot ask for love, it is given to you freely. When you are ready to accept it, you cannot choose the kind of love that is given to you. So i am thankful that i felt loved and I am still loved.

Now I'm beginning to see how much this person cares for me. It is more than enough of what I deserve. I have been selfish and greedy, wanting what i cannot have and wanting it so bad that i hurt the people that really matters.

I am so sorry.

I wondered, what if i was good to you? What if I held on? What if I said the words back? I'll never know now, would I?

Il mio amico,
Mi ricorderò sempre dell'amore che lo avete dato.
Ameró voi fino al giorno muoio.

ERGO SUM

If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid.
-Epictetus-

Learn as much as you can about ALL things and try to decide what you like the best. Make up your own mind about what you believe in and never have to apologize for it. It's part of who you are.

Be passionate...
What's the worst that could happen? On the upside, with this passion comes great spirit and individuality. Be your own person. Claim your reputation.

Be courageous...
Worry not on how society will take it. Fear comes hand in hand with courage. Fear of rejection and the courage to face it alone. The problem with having a reputation is people tend to prejudge you. They see you and say, "No, not for me." Then if and when they decide to get to know you, you suddenly win them over.

Indulge...
Live life and be free.

Life is always changing, sometimes it's sad, sometimes it's beautiful, most of the times it's both. It takes too much energy to focus on the pain and agony life throws your way. There will come a time when you'll just have to let it go. For one moment, just let it all go. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, no fear, no worries, take a leap of faith. There's a good chance that you might crash and burn, but then again, an angel just might catch you and before you know it, you're soaring through the clouds, wind in your face, the world below you passing right before your eyes...

Where

Someday soon I know we'll come together. Even though our feelings change as seasons do. But, maybe sweet November will tell us the storyThat will bring us back the love...That we both knew..
-Sweet November-

far beyond the horizon
way beyond your sight can reach
go be waiting for time
'til fate brings you back

over the mountains
away from the deep blue sea
a place you haven't searched
there is where

too distant a memory
a precious moment's worth
a whole minute of ecstasy
forever you hold nowhere else

today's all an illusion
believe in the fantasy
reality is waiting
where? search your soul
you'll see where

Light Years Away

Piace vole!

7 AM, it's too early to go out. It's too early to even be awake, at least for me. What can i do? She's in my room crankin' up the volume on my stereo and going through my magazines. I never minded the noise. I can sleep through it. She always lets me sleep in. She just sits there, doing whatever, waiting for me to get up. I'm sick of it half the time but i don't have a choice, do I? That's what happens to people. I'm always cranky when sleep deprived, but she didn't mind. I guess a little anger is better than being ignored. She needed to be heard and she needed to be noticed. Coffee is the answer to everything. Coffee in the morning and a little Vodka at night. I reluctantly get up. She throws me a shirt and cranks up the volume higher...

Che te ne pare???

I will write the evangel - poems of comrades and love
-Walt Whitman-

I feel when I write, not the other way around. Today I am void of any emotions, so I write.

A collection of letters to form words.
Words put together to make a phrase.
A phrase that doesn't necessarily have to make sense,
unless connected to another phrase.

Look into it. Process it.

What does it say?

Does it speak to you?

Do you reply?

Or do you even comprehend?

I sure don't...

But it's there...

Fai qualcosa!

Most Like Him

He smiled at her from across the room. She just looked at him and smiled back. She let her gaze linger a little longer as she marveled on the person she's staring at. A grown man with the heart of a little boy just learning how life works, experiencing everything for the first time. A look of awe as he watches magnificence at work. A trace of sadness in his eyes nevertheless, he tries to conceal it. He wouldn't want her to notice. He would just bring her down. She notices anyway. Like she's always noticed the pain, anger, and regret he's been keeping to himself. And his constant search for answers to the questions everyone's scared to even ask. She doesn't have the answers. She wonders if he's somehow found at least some. But like everyone else, she too, is afraid to ask. Day by day she notices how he is most like him. No one's really paid attention before but now she is. They are the least bit alike in every other way but their similarities are disturbing. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? She tears away her gaze and continues what she was doing.

Something Old

I remember walking on this street a long time ago, just prancing along the road, enjoying the crisp summer breeze. It was a beautiful day, it was warm but not too hot. I stoped in front of this gorgeous victorian inspired house. Its architecture is just magnificent. Looks like it's more than a hundred years old, well maintained but never been renovated or remodeled.

It's a wonder how some things can last for so long. You start out with something brand new, something made from scratch. And as time consumes it, the slow aging process starts. Years go by and for a while it seems that change has taken over. And in one moment of realization, you discover how different it is from what you originally started with. Then you think back on what could've brought about that alteration. Like the house, never renovated, never remodeled, just tried to maintain it and keep it as it is. Then you look closely, and see, the original is still there. Just a little older. Like an antique, it may be a little dusty or scratched or there may be a chip off it but it is still there...

Like a hundred year old house, il mio amore per te will always be. It will remain standing enduring the test of time while preserving it's purity.

My World is a Fish Tank

ok, so now i have an online journal...just another way to let people know what's really going on in my twisted psyche....

in a way i kinda feel like a fish in an aquarium...living my life, minding my own business, totally oblivious to the eyes that watch me as i swim back and forth and back and forth in my overly decorated tank...i swim through the plastic plants and settle into my plaster cast palace and just hide there as i watch other life forms, with whom i share the tank with, live their own lives...

anyway...enough with the metaphorical fish tank...

when you have a lot of time on your hands without nothing much to do, your mind tends to wander off into this abstract state and then a train of thought just travels on a track which seems to be leading nowhere...anyway there's this one word that's always kept me going on and on and on....UNIQUE....i'm sure you've at least heard of the saying "each one is unique, each one a different person"...if everyone is unique isn't it ironic how "unique" is defined -Without an equal or equivalent; unparalleled- or -Being the only one of its kind- when in fact we all posess that certain trait which is "uniqueness?" how can one be "the only one of its kind" if everyone else is unique??? i know it's like a question without a definite answer...and that what makes it so disturbing... oh well... that's what life is all about anyway... the philosophy of irony... the neverending quest for enlightenment on the why's of existence...