Retry

He thought of her today. Out of nowhere, somewhere in between emails and browsing and humming Satisfaction by the Stones, her faced popped up in his head.

It's been awhile since that happened. 19 months? Give or take.

He wondered what she was doing. Was she still in the city? Did she cut her hair? She probably lost weight.

He stopped for a moment, picked up the phone, hesitated, then put it back down.

What would he say if he called her?

"Hi. It's me."

Yeah, he'll start with that.

What Now?

p**l* r < **a*lo*****o@*****.com> wrote:

I'll admit the past weeks have been confusing (for the both of us I'm sure). 'Di ko nga maintindihan eh. You're right, we're great together when we're apart pero within 5 nautical miles of each other it's a sick mess. I'm sorry I got upset with what you said last time. I'm sorry I screamed at you, I didn't mean to raise my voice. But I was upset and I was stupid. And you know I don't think when I'm both.

Yun lang, I just wanted to apologize. I could understand why you never want to speak to me again, it took us what? 6/7 years of non communication before we were able to settle things. Before we found (or searched for) each other again. How long will it take this time? And will we even get another chance?

I'm gonna tell you something, I hope you don't think it's weird or whatever. I've kinda known you were in the US. I was in the US when you came. I was in LA, you settled in AZ. I wanted to come see you but I never got around to it. When I decided to come, I heard from them that he came to be with you. So ano naman gagawin ko diba? I know he always thought of me as a threat, me, that other guy, and I know even one of our friends. I didn't want to cause any problems. As you already know, I've told you, I've been all around. But though I've been all over, I never stopped thinking of you, wondering about you. 'Til about last year when they told me you were in CA. I had your e-mail address, I just never used it. This may sound creepy, but the only way I keep up with your life is through your writings. Yes I've managed to read them. From the very beginning. Each story you've told, each word you've scribbled. I know not all of it is real but I can definitely tell which is YOU. Now i'm starting to sound like an obesessed stalker. But, yeah, i've been thinking about you. Especially lately.

Now that that's out, now what? Damn, I couldn't even say it to your face. I couldn't even show you my face. We were in the same city, within 5 miles of each other, but it felt like light years. OK. So there. I didn't ask before. I didn't have the guts. Now I'm asking

Now what?

Should we or should we not?

All you have to do is say the word and I'll come rushing back to CA. Tell me to stay away, and I'll never bother you again.

I'll talk to you tonight

take care

J*D < *i*.*.d*@*****.com> wrote:

What now? I don't know. I'm sorry that's all I can say right now, that's the best I can come up with. But at least it's honest right?

I want to say that I want to be with you but I just can't. 'Cause I really want to be with you but I feel I shouldn't. Too much complications. There's a lot to consider. I am still figuring out what I want with my life. That's the reason he and I broke up, and even now I am still confused. Do I really want to add more confusion by entering an unstable relationship? Yes unstable, you're unstable. You know I love[d] you and I know you love[d] me too but it seems like we can't measure up to each other's expectations. That's why you have to run away from me. Everytime we get close to being together, you get scared and you bolt. How can I be sure that this time you won't leave? Give me something here. Something to hold onto. Anything.

If you want, go ahead, the ball's in your court, make your shot. Pursue me. Woo me. Constant communication, regularity. That's what I'm asking. When I feel secure in you, then I can give you the answer to "Now what?"

How's that?

From: p**l* r < **a*lo*****o@*****.com>

Date: Jun 29, 2006 11:24 PM
Subject: Re: what now?
To: J*D < *i*.*.d*@*****.com>

Sounds good to me. Though I think you already know I can't promise you anything. You know I'm not the "future" type of guy. I live by the moment. And at this moment, this is what I'm feeling. I'm someone who believes in going after what he wants, and damn the consequences. When you've been dead a hundred years, you have only just begun to be dead. We're living on borrowed time. And if you don't put your heart out there on the line, then you're never really living at all. If I loved someone, I'd tell 'em. And if I wanted someone, then I would let her know, straight up. I WANT YOU.

Tomorrow I'm gonna say all the right things, do the right things and be the good guy, but today I'm not gonna pretend everything's ok. I'm hurting because I'm longing. I'm longing for you. Although we can't seem to find common ground with what we want. You once said that you are always the next best thing, and that is enough for you. I don't think so, you are the BEST thing but I cannot even measure up to be your next best thing. I'm on the bottom of the scum chain. I'd like to climb higher though, but you're gonna have to give me a hand.

Tell me what you think.