The Empty Space In My Head

So what? Stuff happens in life and...who cares if you're ready, right? You just do it!

10 October 2010

I never really liked the beach, until today.

You know that tan line on my ring finger?

That's my constant reminder that you're gone.


I went to the beach today. The one that we go to.

And I spent the day there.

And I finished a book.


When I got up and packed my things, I looked down on my arms and my hands. They were a beautiful shade of olive with just the right hint of tan.

And everything is even.

No trace that a ring ever lived on any finger.

No hint there was ever you.


I picked up my book which lay, still open, on the sand.

I read the last page again, smiled, and closed it.

10 February 2008

You Won't Know Me

It seems like we're so busy hooking up, networking, making connections. Does it even mean anything anymore? I guess I thought that if I didn't take you seriously, I'd avoid being affected by you. If I had everything to do with you but I don't feel anything, somehow, I'll be stronger.

But that's not true. Opening yourself up, even if it means your heart and your soul are crushed, that's what makes you stronger. That's what gives you the power to move on. Put the past behind you. To get out there and get your heart stomped all over again.

So when you say that I don't give a damn, it's because you never asked me to. Because you know that I'd admit that I'm angry. That I'm wounded. That my heart was broken. And I want you to fix it.

Only you can't. Because you don't want to.

06 November 2007

To Play the Part of Me and You

We live in a world in which we dream of utopian visions found in the heavens sitting next to the stars. Stars that create an illusion of permanence. Flaring up, caving in. Supernovas that end in black holes that leave traces of their explosive magnificence hundreds of years after it's over and done with.

Watching this visual fiesta of bursting gases and energy and such, I can pretend that a moment can linger. A moment can last more than it should. I can pretend that things last. When I realise that love can actually go, I can pretend that love last a little longer.

And gods come, and gods go. Mortals flicker and flash and fade. Worlds don't last; and stars and galaxies are transient, fleeting things that twinkle like fireflies and vanish into cold and dust.

Yes, we can pretend. For what it's worth. We can pretend we are real. We can put on a great show and create something that scarcely exists. A dream of a ghost of a memory of a tryst that, one suspects, never existed in the first place.

20 October 2007

Nothing is Truly Lost

The details of his life are scattered and the curious may seek them out. They appear in brief flashes, like sunlight glinting from a knife-edge. Sometimes we choose the path we follow. Sometimes our choices are made for us. And sometimes we have no choice at all.

He said little and was patient. He left no footprints and cast no shadow. He left slowly with reluctance, leaving the safety of the light for the chill certainties of darkness. And he entered into the pallid shadow of reality. All sense of where he is, who he is and where he's going has been swallowed by the dark. And he walked through the stars and sky, a trinity of dreams beneath the moon.

He sits there realising that his life is over. He is dead. There is no doubt of that. There is nothing in his space but darkness and cold and silence.

It is never only a dream. Here ,less than other places. In a city where the streets are paved with time, one cannot seek love and return unscathed. He seeks and he has been scathed enough in his time.

When he dreams, sometimes he remembers how to fly. Does he really remember how to fly? And forgets when he wakes up? Or was he just dreaming he could fly?

And his dream is a bright place filled with frightened people and fast hard things that hurt and wound. No matter. He swore he would remain by her side forever, and until death parts them. He must walk until once more they are reunited.

What's done cannot be undone. Or very rarely. And definitely not this time. He looks down as he feels the void take over his limping body. That red stuff, that's blood that is. Meant to be on the inside, it is. Bad sign if it's not on the inside.

He gets ready to give in. There's a moment of fear in returning to sleep. A hesitation: there are darkness beyond the curtain of waking, and the shadow-plays clutch at your heart. Too late. It is time for him to walk the abyss. He fell. His face undefeated. His eyes still proud.

Given time, a yarn is spun or what was once. Given time, The tale of a forlorn lover will be told. And given enough time, and the right audience, the darkest but sweetest secrets will spill into curiosities.

Stories have happy endings. If you know where to stop. The real problem with stories, if you keep them going long enough, they always end in loss.

When a world ends, there is always something leftover. A legend perhaps, or a vision, or a hope. And if there's a moral, no one knows what it is, save maybe that we should take our goodbyes whenever we can.


Things need not have happened to be true. Tales and dreams are the shadow-truths that will endure when mere facts are dust and ashes, and forgot.

This is a work of fiction. All the characters in it, human and otherwise, are imaginary, excepting only certain of the fairy folk, whom it might be unwise to offend by casting doubts on their existence. Or lack thereof
-Neil Gaiman-

16 October 2007

Getting Where?

I stopped counting the hours when the clock struck. Somehow, staring at those hands and hearing the tick tock made the waiting a little more unbearable. The rain continued to pour and the tapping of every drop on the window panes are like rhythmic conversations whispering secrets to the wind.

I wondered where you are. What are you wearing? If you're actually wearing that seafoam green jacket you always have at the back of your car. It's kinda chilly outside. The scent of the autumn air nipping at your nose. You could be thinking, what the hell did you get yourself into? But then again, you know exactly what you're up against and you still chose to get in your car and drive north.

I paced back and forth looking out the glass doors watching the leaves sway to the music of the breeze. The lights go out one by one. People getting ready to turn in. Traffic outside settling down. I sigh as I crash down the couch. I turn the volume up on the TV and click on the remote not really paying any attention to the blur of images flashing on the screen. I look at my phone making sure it's on. Checking to see if there's enough signal strength for your call to go through.

I brushed my hair away from my face and gather it to one side. It has grown so long that it touched my chest. My fingers rest on a titanium ring that hung from a steel ball chain. I close my eyes and imagine the symbol of life that you wear around your neck. That same piece of metal that used to hang from my neck. It was my life, you claimed it, you took it. Now it's yours.

I look up as I heard the gates open. A car drives by, past my door. I stand up and look out once again. Hoping to see a familiar figure come through the floodlights. Nothing. I walk up the stairs, go into the room and slip under the covers. I rest my head on a pillow as a guy on TV in the background talks about genocide. The rain has calmed down. It's still cold, much more out there. Where are you, love?

A gentle touch caress my cheek. I slowly open my eyes and let light in. I felt you get in bed with me and hold me close. I reached for your hand and felt the cold metal from your ring finger. A ring that matched the one on my neck. I closed my eyes again as I felt the warmth of your breath on my nape. You're home.